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The following nonsense articles
are courtesy of John the Prostitute, CEO & CSS (chief sex slave) of John King
Productions
SANTA MONICA COLLEGE ENTRANCE
EXAM
Time Limit: 3 WEEKS
1. What language is spoken in France?
2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire
with particular reference to architecture, literature, law
and social conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre
Trudeau.
3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
(a) build a bridge
(c) lead an army or
(d) WRITE A PLAY
4. What religion is the Pope?
(a) Jewish
(b) Catholic
(c) Hindu
(d) Polish
(e) Agnostic (check only one)
5. Metric conversion. How many feet in 0.0 meters?
6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the
little hand is on the 5?
7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)
8. What are people in America's far north called?
(a) Westerners
(b) Southerners
(c) Northerners
9. Spell -- Bush, Carter and Clinton
10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last
one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.
11. Where does rain come from?
(a) Macy's
(b) a 7-11
(c) Canada
(d) the sky
12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
(a) yes
(b) no
13. What are coat hangers used for?
14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for
what country?
15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic
Equilibrium -OR-spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.
16. Where is the basement in a three story building
located?
17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
(a) New York
(b) Florida
(c) Canada
(d) Wisconsin
18. Advanced math. If you have three apples how many
apples do you have?
*You must answer three or more questions correctly to
qualify.
REAL CALIFORNIA STATE LAWS THAT
EXIST TODAY!
Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses.
Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500
feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.
It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game
from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.
No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per
hour.
Many animals are illegal to own as pets, including
snails, sloths, and elephants.
INDIVIDUAL CITY LAWS &
ORDINANCES THAT EXIST TODAY!
Arcadia: Peacocks have the right of way to cross any street,
including driveways.
Alhambra:
You cannot leave your car on the street overnight
without the proper permit.
Baldwin Park: Nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming
pool.
Burlingame: It is illegal to spit, except on baseball diamonds.
Carmel:
Ice cream may not be eaten while standing on the
sidewalk. (Repealed when Clint Eastwood was mayor)
Chico: Detonating a nuclear device within the city limits
results in a $500 fine.
Downey: It is illegal to wash your car in the street.
(Passed 1995).
Hollywood: It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep
down Hollywood Boulevard at one time.
Los Angeles: It is illegal for a man to beat his wife with a
strap wider than 2 inches without her consent.
You cannot bathe two babies in the same tub at the
same time.
You may not hunt moths under a street light.
It is illegal to cry on the witness stand.
Toads may not be licked.
Zoot suits are prohibited.
Ontario: Roosters may not crow in the city limits.
Palm Springs:
It is illegal to walk a camel down Palm Canyon Drive
between the hours of four and six PM.
San Diego:
It is illegal to shoot jackrabbits from the back of a streetcar.
The owners of houses with Christmas lights on them
past February second may be fined up to $250.
San Francisco: Prohibits elephants from strolling down Market
Street unless they are on a leash.
It is illegal to wipe one's car with used
underwear.
It is illegal to pile horse manure more than six
feet high on a street corner.
Santa Monica: You may not play percussion instruments on the
beach.
Temecula:
Ducks have the right of way to cross Rancho California St. at all times.
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new
program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules, limiting
access to flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under
Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable
programs, such as Romance 9.9 but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0
and NBA 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply
crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to
no avail.
--Desperate
*********************
Dear Desperate,
Keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an
operating system. Try to enter the command: C:/ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and
install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications:
Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to
default to GrumpySilence 2.5, Happyhour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad
program that will create "Snoring Loudly" wave files. DO NOT install MotherInLaw
1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications
and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it
does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider
buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend
HotFood 3.0 and Lingerie 5.3.
TOP TEN TIMES IN HISTORY, WHEN USING THE "F" WORD
WAS APPROPRIATE
10. "What the fuck was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima,
1945
9. "Where did all those fucking Indians come from?"
- Custer, 1877
8. "Any fucking idiot could understand that." -
Einstein, 1938
7. "It does so fucking look like her!" - Picasso,
1926
6. "How the fuck did you work that out?" -
Pythagoras, 126 BC
5. "You want WHAT on the fucking ceiling?" -
Michelangelo, 1566
4. "Where the fuck are we?" - Amelia Earnhart, 1937
3. "Scattered fucking showers....My ass!" - Noah,
4314 BC
2. "I need this parade like I need a fucking hole
the head!" - JFK, 1963
1. "Aw c'mon. Who the fuck is going to find out? -
Bill Clinton, 1997
SIGNS YOU HAD A BAD FIRST DATE:
1. Not only is she a little young, but you're sure that
you used to date her mother.
2. You find out her real name is Vinnie, and you used to
play little league with her.
3. When you go to pick her up, her lawyer meets you at the
door with a contract describing your duties and restrictions.
4. You jokingly ask her if she wants to go down to Atlantic
City and get married. She then informs you that leaving the
state is a violation of her parole.
5. Her bra and panties are wired to an alarm system.
6. You are the first guy that she's gone out with that isn't
her cousin.
7. At the end of the night she gives you a coupon that is
good for a free shot of penicillin at the nearest clinic.
8. She beats the shit out of some guy for making fun of
your hair cut.
9. You wake up the next morning with a wicked hangover.
In the bed next to you is Janet Reno.
10. At the end of the night, you drop her off at her house,
and her pimp is waiting there with your bill.
11. You wake up to find your loins covered with purple and
green spots, with an intense itching in your left thigh.
12. She keeps staring at you all through dinner, then
finally asks if you want to meet Satan.
13. She is better hung than you.
Guy Rules
1. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may
be legally killed and eaten by his fellow party goers.
2. Under no circumstances may two men share an
umbrella.
3. It is ok for a man to cry under the following
circumstances:
a) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her
blouse
b) After wrecking your boss' Ferrari
c) When your date is using her teeth
4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must
bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
5. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his
sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry
her.
6. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a
guy who's running late is 5 minutes. Maximum waiting
time is 6 minutes.
7. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddy's
fridge is forbidden. Gripe at will if the temperature
is unsuitable.
8. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday
present for another man. (In fact, even remembering
your buddy's birthday is strictly optional.)
9. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting
event, you may always ask the score of the game in
progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
10. You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you
have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under
the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment,
she's officially your girlfriend.
11. It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink
only when you're sunning on a tropical beach.... and
it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's free.
12. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue
closed.
13. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem---you
didn't see nothin'.
14. Women who claim the "love to watch sports" must be
treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of
the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.
15. You must offer heartfelt and public condolences
over the death of a girlfriend's cat, even if it was
you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a
ceiling fan.
16. If you complement a guy on his six-pack, you'd
better be talking about his choice of beer.
17. Phrases that may not be uttered to another man
while lifting weights:
a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c) Another set and we can hit the showers!
d) Nice Ass, are you a Sagittarius?
18. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on
equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line,
etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible
nod is all the conversation you need.
19. Never allow a conversation with a woman to go on
longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a
stopwatch by the phone; Hang up if necessary.
20. When a buddy is trying to hook up, you may sabotage
him only in a manner that gives you no chance of
hooking up either.
MAN FALLS ASLEEP AT
CHURCH...
One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the
minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I
have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during
your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I
do?"
"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin
with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is
sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times.
When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."
In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off.
Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And
who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said,
nodding to Mrs. Jones.
"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg
with the hatpin.
"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister.
Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister
noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the
congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.
"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with
the hatpin.
"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long,
Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the
minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of
his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones
mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the
hatpin again.
The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after
she bore him his 99th son?"
Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick
that goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break
it in half and shove it up your ass!"
"Amen," replied the congregation.
POWDER MY NOSE
A little boy and girl are playing in a sandbox. The
little boy has to go to take a pee and he was told by
his mother to always be polite and don't talk about
private matters in public.
At first he holds it in for a little while because he
does not know what to say to the little girl to excuse
himself. Then he remembers what his Mom had said at the
restaurant to excuse herself from the table. So he
turns to the little girl and says "Will you excuse me I
have to go powder my nose." And saying that he leaps
out of the sandbox and runs to the washroom.
When he comes back the little girl looks up at him and
asks, "Did you powder your nose?"
"Yes," said the little boy stepping back into the
sandbox.
"Well then," says the little girl, "You'd better close
your purse because your lipstick is hanging out."
TWO COLLEGE STUDENTS....Two college
students, Frank and Matt, are riding on a New York City subway when a beggar
approaches them asking for spare change. Frank adamantly rejects the man in
disgust. Matt, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a couples of
singles and gladly hands them over to the beggar with a smile. The beggar thanks
him kindly and then continues on to the other passengers. Frank is outraged by
his friend's act of generosity. "What on earth did you do that for?" shouts
Frank. "You know he's only going to use it on drugs or booze. "Matt replies,
"And we weren't?"
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