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Two men camping in the
mountains had spent four days together, and
they were getting a little testy. One morning, the first friend says,
"You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we
split up today? I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you
hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share
our experiences over the campfire."
The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes
north. That night over dinner, the first man tells his story. "Today I
hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and
ate lunch. Then, I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out
and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The
wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day
overhead. How was your day?"
The second friend says, "I went south and ran across a set of
railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young
woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off
the tracks, and we had sex in every imaginable way all afternoon.
Finally, when I was so tired, I could barely move, I came back to camp."
"Wow!!" the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than
mine. Did you get some head, too?" "Nah," says the second friend over his meal,
"I couldn't find It."
_______________________________
A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia.
The doctor gave him a thorough
examination, found absolutely nothing
physically wrong with him, and then told him, "Listen, if you ever expect to
cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your troubles to bed with
you."
"I know" said the man, "but I
can't. My wife refuses to sleep alone."
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What Your Car Says About You
Audi 90- I enjoy putting out
engine fires
Buick Park Avenue- I am older than
34 of the 50 states
Cadillac Eldorado- I am a very good Mary Kay salesman
Cadillac Seville- I am a pimp
Chevrolet Camaro- I enjoy beating up people
Chevrolet Chevette- I like seeing people's reactions when
I tell them I have a 'Vette
Chevrolet Corvette- I'm in a mid-life crisis
Datsun 280Z- I have a kilo of cocaine in my wheel well
Dodge Daytona- I delivered pizza for four years to get
this car
Ford Mustang- I slow down to 85 in school zones
Ford Crown Victoria- I enjoy having people slow to 55mph &
change lanes when I pull up behind them
Geo Storm- I will start the 11th grade in the Fall.
Geo Tracker- I will start the 12th grade in the Fall.
Honda Civic- I have just graduated and have no credit
Infiniti Q45- I am a physician with 17 malpractice suits
pending.
Isuzu Impulse- I do not give a rip about J.D. Power or
his reports.
Jaguar XJ6- I am so rich I will pay 60K for a car that is
in the shop 280 days per year.
Lincoln Town Car- I live for bingo and covered dish
suppers
Mercedes 500SL- I will beat you up if you ask me for an
autograph.
Mercedes 560SEL- I have a daughter named Bitsy and a son
named Cole.
Mazda Miata- I do not fear being decapitated by an
18-wheeler
MGB- I am dating a mechanic
Nissan 300ZX- I have yet to complete my divorce
proceedings.
Peugeot 505 Diesel- I am on the EPA's Ten Most Wanted List
Plymouth Neon- I sincerely enjoy doing the Macarena
Pontiac Trans AM- I have a switchblade in my sock
Porsche 944- I am dating big haired women that otherwise
would be inaccessible to me.
Rolls Royce Silver Shadow- I think Pat Buchannon is a tad
bit too liberal
Toyota Camry- I am still in the closet
Volkswagon Beetle- I still watch Partridge Family reruns
Volkswagon Cabriolet- I am out of the closet
Volkswagon Microbus- I am tripping right now
Volvo 740 Wagon- I am frightened of my wife
______________________________________
The year: 2031, President
Clinton finishes his time on earth and
approaches the Pearly Gates of Heaven. "And who might you be?" inquires
St. Peter. "It's me, Bill Clinton, formerly the President of the
United
States and Leader of the Free World."
"Oh... Mr. President! What may
I do for you?" asks St. Peter. "I'd like
to come in," replies Clinton.
"Sure," says St. Peter. "But
first you have to confess your sins. What
bad things have you done in your life?"
Clinton bites his lip and
answers, "Well, I tried marijuana, but you
can't call it 'dope-smoking' because I didn't inhale. There were
inappropriate extramarital relationships, but you can't call it
'adultery' because I didn't have full 'sexual relations.' And I made
some statements that were misleading, but legally accurate, but you
can't call it 'bearing false witness' because, as far as I know, it
didn't meet the legal standard of perjury."
With that, St. Peter consults
the Book of Life briefly and declares,
"OK, here's the deal. We'll send you somewhere hot, but we won't call it
'Hell.' You'll be there indefinitely, but we won't call it 'eternity.'
And when you enter, you don't have to 'abandon all hope', just don't
hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over."
_____________________________________
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the
poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because
she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that
the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her into
the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation
happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in
order to kill the ants I told her that she better bring her daughter in
to the Emergency room right away.
Seems that a year ago, some
Boeing employees on the field decided to
steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting
it out of the plane and home. When they took it for a float on the
river, they were quite surprised by a Coast Guard helicopter coming
towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the
emergency locator that is activated when the raft is inflated. They are
no longer employed there.
As an employee of Wal-Mart you
are sometimes required to make store wide
loudspeaker pages, e.g., "I have a customer in hardware who needs
assistance at the paint counter." One night, a tentative female voice
came over the intercom system with the (I kid you not) following
message: "I have a customer by the balls in toys who needs assistance."
A true story out of
San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a
downtown Bank
of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all
your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note
to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the
note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So
he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After
waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo
teller. She read it and surmising from his spelling errors that he was
not the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not
accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America
deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo
deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated,
the man said "OK" and left. The Wells Fargo teller then called the
police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in
line back at Bank of America.
Drug Possession Defendant
Christopher Jansen, on trial in March in
Pontiac, Michigan, said he had
been searched without a warrant. The
prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in
Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. "Nonsense," said
Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in
court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered
a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard, he required a
five minute recess to compose himself.
A guy walked into a little
corner store with a shotgun and demanded all
the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag,
the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on
the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the
cashier refused and said, "...because I don't believe you are over 21."
The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him
because he didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his
drivers license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk
looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put
the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot.
The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of
the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two
hours later.
_____________________________________
A little boy goes to his dad
and asks, "What's politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this
way." I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom,
she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're
here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People.
The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. Now your baby brother, we'll
call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense. So the
little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his
baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has
severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and
finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's
room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in
bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little
boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is
all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the
Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and
the Future is in deep shit.
_____________________________
WORLD'S BEST SEXIST JOKES
1/ Why did God create woman?
To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.
2/ If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
The swallow
3/ How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex?
Phone her.
4/ Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they think men care.
5/ What is the definition of
"making love"?
Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.
6/ What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use a lubricant.
7/ What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak
8/ How many sexists does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, let the bitch cook in the dark.
9/ What's the difference between pre-menstrual tension and B.S.E?
One's mad cow disease, the other's an agricultural problem.
10/ Why does the bride always wear white?
because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator..
11/ What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.
12/ How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it in.
13/ If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what
have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long.
14/ How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry it!
15/ What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
16/ What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Internet
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman
17/ Why do hunters make the best lovers?
Because they go deep in the bush, shoot more than once and they eat
what they shoot.
18/ How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.
19/ How is a woman like a condom?
Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
19/ What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.
20/ How are twisters (tornadoes) and marriage alike?
They both begin with a lot of blowing and sucking, and in the end you
lose your house.
21/ Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
She knows she's given her last blow job.
22/ What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A whore sleeps with everyone at the party and a bitch sleeps with everyone
at the party except you.
23/ What's the difference between your wife and your job?
After 10 years the job still sucks.
24/ What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.
25/ Why is the space between a women's breasts and her hips called a
waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.
26/ Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.
27/ How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.
28/ Why did the woman cross the road?
What's the bitch doing out of the kitchen in the first place?!
29/ Why are there no female astronauts on the moon?
cause it doesn't need cleaning yet
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THE WORLD'S "THINNEST" BOOKS
STAYING HAPPILY MARRIED by
Elizabeth Taylor
BEAUTY SECRETS by Janet Reno
HOME BUILT AIRPLANES by John Denver
DOWN HILL SKIING by Sonny Bono
ATLANTIC CROSSINGS OF THE TITANIC by White Star Lines
HOW TO GET TO THE SUPER BOWL by Dan Marino
FLYING AT NIGHT by JFK, JR.
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton
MY LIFE'S MEMORIES by Ronald Reagan
THINGS I CAN'T AFFORD by Bill Gates
MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS by O.J. Simpson
THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY by Dennis Rodman
THE WILD YEARS by Al Gore
AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN
AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
DETROIT -A TRAVEL GUIDE
DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
VERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE by Ellen DeGeneres
MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
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Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and
confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off!"
"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked
the bartender politely.
"See, I met this beautiful
woman who invited me back home, and we
stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to
make love when her goddamned husband came in the front door. So I had to
jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my
fingernails!"
"Gee, that's tough!"
commiserated the bartender.
"Right, but that's not what
really got me aggravated," the customer went
on. "When her husband came into the room he said 'Hey great! You're
naked already! Let me just take a leak.' And damned if the lazy son of a
bitch didn't piss out the window right onto my head?"
"Yeech!" the bartender shook
his head. "No wonder you're in a lousy
mood."
"Yeah, but I haven't told you
what really, really got to me. Next, I had
to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the
husband tossed his condom out of the window. And where does it land? My
damned forehead!"
"Damn, that really is a drag!"
says the bartender. "Oh, I'm not
finished. See what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take
a dump. Turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out
of the window and let loose right on my head!"
The bartender paled. "That
would sure mess up my day."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow
rattled on, "but do you know what REALLY,
REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet
were only SIX inches off the ground!!"
______________________________
AN OFFER YOU CAN'T REFUSE
A Mafia Godfather finds out that one of his underlings has screwed
him for three million bucks. This underling happens to be deaf, so the
Godfather brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. The Godfather
asks the underling: "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The attorney, using sign language, asks the underling where the 3
million dollars is hidden. The underling signs back: "I don't know what you
are talking about." The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't
know what you're talking about." That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9
mm pistol, puts it to the underling's temple, cocks it and says: "Askhim
again!" The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you
don't
tell him!" The underling signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown
briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in
Queens!" The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well... what'd he say?" To which the
attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the
trigger!"
________________________________
Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her
minister. "Reverend," she wailed, "John and I had a
DREADFUL fight!"
"Calm down, my child," said the minister, "it's not half as
bad as you think. Every marriage has to have its first
fight!" "I know, I know!" said Joanna. "But what am I going to
do with the BODY?"
_____________________________
Little Johnny's father called him one day and said, "Little Johnny, Do
you know who pushed over the outhouse?"
Little Johnny replied, "Yes,
Father, I must admit, that I pushed over
the outhouse."
Little Johnny's father said,
"Well, just for that you will go to bed
without supper for one whole week, and tonight you'll meet me outside
the woodshed for a whupping."
"But Dad," Little Johnny said,
tears starting to well up in his eyes.
"George Washington's father asked him who chopped down the cherry tree,
and George Washington didn't lie, and told his father the truth, and his
father didn't punish him."
"That's right, Little Johnny,"
his father replied, "But George
Washington's father wasn't in that cherry tree."
_____________________________
A guy came to his buddy's house found a huge cigarette lighter on the
living room table. Amazed by the size of the lighter, the guy asked how
the buddy got the lighter.
"Well, there is a Genie across
the street. He will grant you one wish,"
said the buddy.
Anxious to find out if it were
true, the guy ran across the street to
ask the Genie. The Genie said, "Yes, it is true that I will grant one
wish."
The man thought for a moment
and asked for a million bucks. The sky
turned black, thunder roared, and a million ducks appeared in the sky.
Angry, the guy ran back to his
buddy's house. "Why didn't you tell me
that damned Genie was deaf" screamed the guy!
"Well, you didn't think I asked
for a 13 inch BIC did you?
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