Jew Jokes

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The Israeli Prime Minister is sitting down with Yasser Arafat to try to work out an agreement.

The Prime Minister asks if he might first tell a story. Arafat tells him to go ahead.

"When Moses was in the desert for forty years the Jews got very thirsty and Moses asked the Lord for water and there appeared a beautiful lake. The Jews first drank and then bathed themselves. Moses did the same but when he came out of the water his clothes were gone."

Moses shouted, "Where are my clothes? Who took them??"

The Jews answered, 'The Palestinians took them.'

Arafat quickly objected, "There were no Palestinians at that time!"

The Prime Minister looked at Arafat and said, "Now we can begin to negotiate."

5761 Year according to Jewish calendar 4698 Year according to Chinese calendar 1063 Total number of years that Jews went without Chinese food ________________________________________________________ What did the waiter ask the group of Jewish mothers? "Is anything all right?" ________________________________________________________ How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb? (Sigh) Oh, don't bother, I'll just sit here in the dark. ___________________________________________________________ Short summary of every Jewish Holiday: "They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat." ________________________________________________________________ What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish Mother? Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go. ________________________________________________________________ You've heard about the big controversy on when life begins. In Jewish tradition the fetus is not considered viable until after it graduates from medical school. ________________________________________________________________ Jewish telegram: "Begin worrying. Details to follow." ________________________________________________________________ THE JEWISH SAMURAI

Once upon a time a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new Chief Samurai. After a year, only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish Samurai.

"Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor.

The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box and released a fly. He drew his samurai sword and *Swish!* the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two!

"What a feat!? said the Emperor. "Number Two Samurai, show me what you do."

The Chinese samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward and opened a tiny box, releasing a fly. He drew his samurai sword and * Swish! * Swish! * The fly fell to the floor neatly quartered.

"That is skill!" nodded the Emperor. "How are you going to top that, Number three Samurai?"

Number Three Samurai, Obi-wan Cohen, stepped forward, opened a tiny box releasing one fly, drew his samurai sword and *Swoooooosh! * flourished his sword so mightily that a gust of wind blew through the room. But the fly was still buzzing around!

In disappointment, the Emperor said, "What kind of skill is that? The fly isn't even dead."

"Dead, schmead," replied the Jewish Samurai. "Dead is easy. Circumcision... THAT takes skill!"

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated.

As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever Seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "But I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity." And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong.

The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase.

"Oh my God!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"

What to Wear to IRS Interview A man, called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied. Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie." Confused, the man went to his Rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the Rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck.'" The man protested, "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?" "No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed."

Answering Machine

God's voice mail
Most of us have now learned to live with "voice mail" as a necessary part of our daily lives. But have you ever wondered what it would be like if God decided to install voice mail?
Imagine praying and hearing the following:
Thank you for calling Heaven.
* For Hebrew press 1
* For Yiddish press 2
* For all other languages Press 0 Please select from one of the following options:
* Press 1 for Requests.
* Press 2 for Giving thanks.
* Press 3 for Complaints.
* Press 4 for all other inquires.
I'm sorry; all angels are busy helping other sinners right now.
However, your prayer is important to us, we will answer it in the order in which it was received. Please stay on the line.
* If you require special attention and would like to speak to God, press 1
* If you would like to hear King David sing a psalm while you are waiting, press 4
* To find a loved one who has been assigned to heaven, press 5 then enter her social security number followed by the pound sign. If you receive a negative response, hang up and try area code 666.
* For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, life on other planets, and where Noah's Ark is, please wait until you arrive there.
Our computers show that you have already prayed today. Please hang up and try again tomorrow.
The office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday.
Please pray again on Monday after 9:30 a.m.
If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local rabbi.
Thank you, and have a heavenly day.

STAR OF DAVID......

Two beggars are sitting on a park bench in Mexico City. One
is holding a cross and one a Star of David. Both are holding
hats to collect contributions. People walk by, lift their
noses at the man with the Star of David and drop money in
the hat held by the man with the cross.

Soon the hat of the man with the cross is filled and the hat
of the man with the Star of David is empty.

A priest watches & then approaches the men. He turns to the
man with the star of David and says: "Young man. Don't you
realize that this is a Catholic country? You'll never get
any contributions in this country holding a Star of David."

The man with the Star of David turns to the man with the
cross and says: "Moishe, can you imagine, this guy is
trying to tell us how to run our business!"

No Penance

The privacy partition in the confessional booth slides
and an excited voice bursts through the screen,
"Father, I gotta tell you what happened to me last
night. I'm 90 years old, and I made love to two 18 year
old women for eight hours last night!"

The stunned priest, replies incredulously, "You did
WHAT?!"

"I said, I'm 90 years old, and I made love to two
eighteen year old women last night for eight hours."

The stern father replies, "Boy I've been waiting all my
life for a guy like you. I'm gonna give you a penance
like you'll never forget."

To which the voice replies, "Father, you can't give me
a penance."

"Why not?" asks the man of the cloth.

"Because I'm Jewish," claims the voice.

A perplexed father asks, "Then why are you telling me?"

"I'm telling everyone!!!"

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