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A husband and wife were watching the
devastation on TV of the World Trade Center; the videos of different countries
around the world; crying with Americans over the events of the past few weeks;
reporters updating and attempting to analyze political strategy; President Bush
making speeches.
The wife turns to the husband and says, "I'm so thankful that Bush is our
President. He is doing such a wonderful job."
The husband turns to the wife and says, "Oh, shut up, Tipper!"
The chicken and the egg are lying in
bed. The chicken is real laid back, smiling, smoking a cigarette, but the egg
is really upset. She mutters to herself, "Well, I guess we answered THAT
question!"
What should you do if your washing
machine breaks down?
Slap her!!!
An intelligent man, an intelligent
woman and father Christmas are in a lift, there's a fiver on the floor, who
picks it up?
The intelligent man because the
other two are fictional.
What do you call a woman who can
suck an orange through a hose pipe?
Darling!
What's the difference between a
woman with her period and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist.
What's the difference between a
woman and a washing machine?
A washing machine doesn't ring you
up constantly after you've left a load in it.
Why don't women fart as much as
men?
They can't shut their mouth long
enough to build up the pressure.
History Lesson
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The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history."
Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death?" She saw a sea of blank faces,
except for Suzuki, who had his hand up.
"Patrick Henry, 1775." he said.
"Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the
people, shall not perish from the earth'"? Again, no response except from
Suzuki:
"Abraham Lincoln, 1863.", said Suzuki
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who
is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper: "F--k the Japanese."
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Suzuki says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher,
"Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit if you say
anything else I will have you killed."
Suzuki franticly yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy
2001."
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Important Research
In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a
man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000.00 they
concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the
man more pleasure during sex.
After the US published the study, the French decided to do their own study.
After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason
was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.
Australian scientists, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own
study. After 2 weeks and a cost of $74.95, they concluded that it was to
keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead. |
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