Saddam Jokes

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Saddam Hussein phoned President Clinton and said, "Bill, I called you because I had this incredible dream last night. I could see all of America, and it was beautiful and on top of every building, there was a beautiful banner."

Clinton asked, "What was on the banner?"

Saddam responded, "It said Allah is God, and God is Allah."

Clinton said, "You know, Saddam, I'm really glad you called, because last night I had a dream too. I could see all of Baghdad, and it was even more beautiful than before the war. It had been completely rebuilt, and on every building there was also a beautiful banner."

Saddam said, "What was on the banner?"

Clinton replied, "I really don't know. I don't read Hebrew."

Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next when his telephone rang.

"Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy O'Hara up in County Cavan, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "this is indeed important news! Tell me, how big is your army?"

"At this moment in time," said Paddy after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next-door neighbor Gerry, and the entire dominoes team from the pub -- that makes eight!"

Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have a million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begorrah!" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, the next day Paddy rang back. "Right, Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked.

"Well, we have two combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Murphy's tractor from the farm."

Once more Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have sixteen thousand tanks, fourteen thousand armoured personnel carriers, and my army has increased to two million men since we last spoke."

"Bloody hell!" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Right, Mr. Hussein, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," said Paddy, "We've had a look at the Geneva Convention, all had a chat, and there's no way we can feed two million prisoners."

Saddam Hussein and Bill Clinton meet in Saddam's Palace for a round of talks in a new peace process.

When Bill Clinton sits down he notices that on the arm of Saddam's armchair there are three buttons. They begin talking, and five minutes into the discussion Saddam presses the first button and a boxing glove springs out from nowhere and punches Bill in the face.

Saddam finds this very amusing and begins to chuckle. Mr Clinton ignores this in a hope to find peace.

Five minutes later Saddam presses the second button, which causes a boot to come out from under the table and kick Clinton in the shin.

At this point Saddam is in fits of laughter nearly falling out of his seat. Clinton is a tad pissed off but says to himself, "What the hell, if we can make peace then it will all be worthwhile."

They continue their discussions and not five minutes later Saddam presses the third button which causes a boot to come out from under the table and repeatedly kick Clinton in the bollocks. (That's balls to North Americans)

Clinton turns round to Saddam, who has finally fallen from his chair and is rolling around the floor in fits of laughter, and Clinton says, "I've had enough of this. I'm going back to Washington. We'll talk about this in a couple of weeks," and he storms out of the palace.

Two weeks later Saddam has come to the White House to finish off the talks. When he sits down he notices that there are three similar buttons on Bill Clinton's chair to the one he has.

Saddam thinks to himself, "Clinton is obviously looking for revenge since he visited my palace, but I'm prepared."

They begin talking and Bill Clinton presses the first button. Saddam ducks, expecting to be hit, and Clinton bursts into laughter, but nothing happens to Saddam. A few seconds pass and the talk restarts, then Clinton presses the second button. Saddam jumps out of his chair to dodge any oncoming attack and Clinton starts laughing again, but still nothing happens to Saddam.

Saddam sits back down, and as soon as he's sitting, Clinton presses the third button. Saddam dives to the floor, Clinton is laughing hysterically, but still nothing happens.

Saddam decides that he's had enough of this game and says, "Fuck this, I'm going back to Baghdad."

Through tears of laughter Clinton says, "What Baghdad?"

Q: What's the fastest way to break up a bingo game in Baghdad?

A: You shout out, "B-52"

Q: Have you heard about the new Royal Iraqi Air Force exercise program?

A: Each morning you raise your hands above your head and leave them there.

Q: What should Iraq get for its air defense system?

A: A refund.

AMERICAN HISTORY 1775 ~ 2003

It was the first day of school and a new student named Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said "Give me liberty, or give me Death"?

She saw a sea of blank faces, except Martinez, who had his hand up, "Patrick Henry 1775."

"Very Good"! Who said "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth? "

Again, no response except for Martinez: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863." he said.

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Martinez, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do".

She heard a loud whisper. "Screw the Mexicans" "Who said that?" she demanded.

Martinez put his hand up. "Jim Bowie. 1836."

At that point, a student in the back said. "I'm gonna puke".

The teacher glares, and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Martinez says "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister. 1991"

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this! "

Martinez jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky. 1997!"

Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit. if you say anything I'll kill you."

Martinez frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001."

The teacher fainted. and as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in Big trouble!"

Martinez said, "Saddam Hussein 2003"

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