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A little old lady answered a knock on the door
one day, only to be confronted by a well dressed young man carrying a vacuum
cleaner. "Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of
minutes of your time I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high
powered vacuum cleaners." "Go away!" said the old lady. "I havent got any
money!" and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash the young man
wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be to hasty!" he
said, "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."
And with that, he emptied a bucket of Horse shit onto her hallway carpet. "If
this vacuum cleaner does not remove all trace of this Horse shit from your
carpet Madam, I will personally eat the remainder." "Well," she said, "I hope
you've got a good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning."
Women think they already know everything, but
wait... training courses are now available for women on the following subjects:
1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game
5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too
6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First
8. Communication Skills II : Thinking Before Speaking
9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging
10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
12. Introduction to Parking
13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat
15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption
17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
19. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His
20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To
21. Classic Footwear: Wearing Shoes You Already Have
22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
24. Gas AND OIL: Your Car Needs Both
25. TV Remotes: For Men Only
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You shouldn't have to. She has a spare on the oven and another on the Microwave.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It is called Wedding Cake.
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I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
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I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months:
I don't like to interrupt her.
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Marriage is a 3-ring circus:
Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.
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Our last fight was my fault:
My wife asked me What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
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A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days.
"She looked at him and said, 'God, I wish I had your willpower."
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Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: "That happens in every country, son."
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A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: "Wife Wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."
1) Which sexual position produces the ugliest
children? Ask your mother.
2) How do you embarrass an archeologist? Give him a tampon and ask him which
period it came from.
3) What's the difference between a bitch and a whore? A whore sleeps with
everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except
you.
4) What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off? Spitting,
swallowing, and gargling.
5) What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife? A Catholic
wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
6) What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge
that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
7) What is the biggest problem for an atheist? No one to talk to during orgasm.
8) What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass? A mechanic.
9) Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The guy who can carry a cup
of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
10) Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony? She is the one who can
eat the last donut.
11) Jewish dilemma: Free PORK.
12) The three words most hated by men during sex: "Are you in?"
13) The three words women hate to hear when having sex: "Honey, I'm home!"
14) Why do men take showers instead of baths? Pissing in the bath is disgusting.
15) Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra? When you take it off, you
wonder where her tits went.
A long time ago, Britain and
France were at war. During one battle, the French captured an English Major.
Taking the Major to their headquarters, the French General began to question
him.
The French General asked, "Why do you English Officers all wear red coats?
Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?"
In his bland English way, the Major informed the general that the reason English
Officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood won't show and
the men they are leading won't panic.
And that is why from that day until now all French Army Officers wear brown
pants.
Fifty
Fun Things To Do In
Elevators
1. Make race car noises
when anyone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your
kleenex to other passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up,
dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the
elevator.
7. Shave.
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got
enough air in there?"
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours
upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without
getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open,
then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask
them to call you Admiral.
14. One word: Flatulence!
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open
until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft
go "plink" at the bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce:
"I've got new socks on!"
18. When at least eight people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not
now, damn motion sickness!"
19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
20. Meow occasionally.
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter
in your nose.
22. Frown and mutter "Gotta go, gotta go," then sigh and say "Oops!"
23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
25. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then
announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far
corner of the elevator.
28. Burp, and then say: "Mmmm... tasty!"
29. Leave a box between the doors.
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
32. Start a sing-along.
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask: "Is that your beeper?"
34. Play the harmonica.
35. Shadow box.
36. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
37. Lean against the button panel.
38. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the
other passengers that this is your "personal
space."
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see
wha in muh mouf?"
43. Blow spit bubbles.
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"
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