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Quotes & Jokes

Tyson: "I could sell out Madison Square Garden masturbating."

Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."

"I want your heart," Tyson said of Lennox Lewis in one of the all-time great boxing quotes. "I want to eat your children." Last month Tyson added "If Lewis tries to intimidate me again I will put a bullet in his skull."

Tyson: "I want your grandkids and great-grandkids to remember me and say 'Wow, what a bizarre individual.' "

A problem for Iron Mike...

One night after the big fight Mike Tyson was a bit depressed so he decided to get a prostitute to cheer him up. After the act, they were laying in bed having a smoke. The prostitute said, "Well Mike, how's it all going?"
"How's it all going?" he asked. "My life's a disaster. I was born to an under-privileged family, had a hard up-bringing, was thrown in jail for rape, now I'm on parole and I've hit a cop, my wife left me for beating her up, I have to pay maintenance for my kids, I've lost two world title fights, I've disgraced myself and my sport, most people want me banned me for life and they won't pay me my money. Nothing could make my life any worse."
"Oh, that's so sad," the prostitute said. "I'll say one thing to cheer you up. You're a much better lover than Magic Johnson!"

Here are the top ten "Tyson-Holyfield Jokes" 

NO. 10 Tyson already has his next fight lined up, with Lorena Bobbitt. Winner eats all. 

NO. 9 This gives new meaning to *box lunch.* 

NO. 8 Reporter: *Evander, what did you think when Tyson bit off your ear?* Holyfield: *What?* 

NO. 7 Spock-vs.-Tyson bout hastily canceled 

NO. 6 What did Mike Tyson say to Van Gogh? *You gonna eat that?* 

NO. 5 Did you hear about the new Mike Tyson computer? It has two bytes and no memory 

NO. 4 Next bout: Tyson vs. Hannibal Lecter, with Julia Child to referee. To be held in Hungary. Billed as, *The snackfest in Budapest.* 

NO. 3 How does Mike Tyson differ from Metallica? Metallica leaves a ringing in your ears. Tyson leaves your ear in a ring. 

NO. 2 Slogans for Tyson-Holyfield III 

The Third Gogh Around 

Dahmer vs. Psalmer 

The Last Supper 

Ear-Reconcilable Differences 

Grazing Bull You Wanna Piece of Me? 

Blood Sweat and Ears No Lobe 

Lost Bite of the Century 

Because you*re dumb enough to pay for it. 

And the number one Tyson-Holyfield joke: 

When interviewed after the fight, Tyson*s first remarks were that *it tasted like chicken.*