Happy B-Day Mack! Posted Wednesday, July 3, 2002 by RajuAbju
I would like to say happy bday to our elat jedi pimp master, mack 10!!!! Wooo 21!!!

GO BRAZIL!!!!!! OLEEEEEEEEE OLE OLE OLEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
RIVALDO AND RONALDO FOR LIFE!!! 5time champions!

Also making headlines on Elat...
I raped Nick in fifa 2002 (although he did beat me twice too). He is too scared to play me in NHL cause he knows palfy would rape shanahan hardcore style.

There have been small additions to the site, various pictures and whatnot, nothing too important for mention, but yea, I'm workin on the website on a more regular basis lately.

Finally, the rumors have been circulating for a while now...and I must confirm that they are indeed accurate...Danny actually has a girlfriend. I kid you not my friends, I'm dating a real human woman!! Aint that some crazy shit? Who the fuck would wanna date me? hehe.. well yea, anyhow, its true.

All New Adventure!!! Posted Sunday, June 23, 2002 by RajuAbju
First, the small things... Pool competition scores have been updated, new irc hacker pics, random funny pics and some jokes have been added to our collections. I have not yet gotten around to finalizing the changes of the Elat Comedy section, but its gonna happen soon I promise.

More importantly...OUR NEW ELAT ADVENTURES TO BIG BEAR IS UP!!! Come see all the crazy pictures of me, Matin, Nick and Sia...going where no Elateer has gone before...crazy roads, insane mines, and in bed with Sia!!! Ahhhhh yea!

And finally... work has begun on the first edition of the "ELAT DICTIONARY" A complete compilation of words and phrases commonly used by us, and their translations, as provided by Siavash. Look for it in bookstores near you!! It's coming soon.

What The FUCK Is Going On!?!? Posted Sunday, June 9, 2002 by RajuAbju
Saturday was bullshit.

First, War Emblem fucking slips and loses the Bellmont Stakes badly. Then, Tyson gets his ass beat down hardcore by that faggot, Lewis. Of course, Nick will also mention how Italy basically got cheated out of a tie, if not a victory, against Croatia. And as if all this wasn't bad enough, the Detroit Red Wings win in TRIPLE fucking overtime against the Carolina Hurricanes. The only good thing that took place was Brazil raping the shit out of China. Of course, on Sunday, the Lakers look to continue dominating the loser Nets and go up 3-0 in the series. 4TH QUARTER HORRY FOR LIFE.
 

Woo Posted Monday, June 3, 2002 by RajuAbju
First off, Elat Farming salutes Robert "4th Quarter" Horry for being the MAN once again. Without him the Lakers would be fishing or golfing or crying like Tim Duncan and Chris Webber.

Next, new IRC pics are up, monopoly tournaments are up to date, and a few other things here and there have been added. Our next big update will occur after Tyson takes a bite out of Lewis THIS SATURDAY!!! (Should Lewis win, Rodney will take it up the ass from Matin repeatedly, 6ft party sub style).

Our new poll is up! Also, according to our last polll, Elat supporters felt our best adventures were Big Bear ones. Siavash, when we going to Big Bear dawg?

And finally, GO USA!!! WIN THE WORLD CUP YOU CAN DO IT!!!
(And if not, Brazil for life)

Amir Ali's Accomplishment Translated by Mack Posted Sunday, May 26, 2002 by Mack 10
For the past few months, the legendary Amir Ali Samimi Nemati's picture and his biography has been posted in SMC webpage. This biography has confused some people, so I am going to do my best to translate what this legend had to say,

Amir-I was born in Iran, but we had to escape when the mullahs came to power, the government was coming for us, so we fled to a friend's house in Pakistan, Then it was on to Spain, Germany, London, France, and Finally to the United States and New York City.

Translation- I was born in Iran, but we didn't have to escape when the mullahs came to power, because we were Muslims, the government didn't give a damn who we were and they wouldn't waste their time to come after us. We went to a friend's house in Pakistan, (Amir, did you hit it), nah, (come on dawg, I know you did), okay, okay, yes, I had sex. (did you do it anal?), come on dude, you know me I do it all, my dad joined me to, it was a lot of fun, I did it three times. Then we went to Spain (he means, Down Town, LA, where everyone speaks Spanish), then Germany (what?? I have no fucking clue, how did he come up with Germany), Then our plane stopped in London, then France(he means Paris Paris Hotel in Vegas)

Amir-SMC is really hard, but I am patient and I take my time.

Translation-whenever I see a good looking woman in SMC, it gets hard, it really gets hard down there, but I am patient, and I wait to go home and jack off watching Jena Jaimason.

Amir- But My experience here have been all good ones.

Translation - Once again, the legend obviously talking about his sexual experiences in Santa Monica College, he is talking about how he did it anal with 39.6% of the girls in that college.

Amir-I am hoping to go to NYC and study at NYU, I like the fast track, the pressure, and New York is the place that I know will push me to be successful.

Translation- I am hoping to go to NYC strip clubs with Matin, I like the fast track and I like it even more when I pressure myself into those hoes, and New York is the place that I know, I could get laid in and it will push me.............(dawg, you have been already push enough, if you get push more, I think, you gonna make Matin's sister pregnant)

WHAT YOU GONNA DO WHEN HULKAMANIA RUNS WILD ON YOU Posted Saturday, May 25, 2002 by RajuAbju
HULKAMANIA IS STILL RUNNING WILD!! FUCK YOU VINCE!!!!!!!!!!!

I have updated the MIKE TYSON PAGES!!!!!!!!!! New pictures!! WOOO IRON MIKE is gonna eat your children

There is also a brand new section dedicated to the one and only HULKSTER!!! Check it out in the literature kiosk.

Also coming soon....Chuck Norris shrine! :)
Walker, Texas Ranger is for life!

The new and improved elat comedy section shall also be unveiled soon.

Mack and Rod's Saturday Night Adventure Posted Sunday, May 19, 2002 by Mack 10
It was Saturday, Rod and I tried to make things happen by going clubbing. Rod came to my house all dressed up to pick me up, our plan was to go to club 17, it's a club which girls from the age of 15-17 go to, so making the long story short, we went to get some young bitches. So, Rod parked his car 10 miles away, and we went to Kodak Mall. When we tried to get in, we found out that, it's actually $20 to get in, so Rod freaked out and was like "hell no". So I had to come up with a plan. I asked Rod to excuse me for a second, So I went to this black security guard and told him to convince my friend to go to this club, he agreed to do the job, so I told Rod, let's ask that guy about that club, the security guard was like, damn man, there are lots of bitches down there, you go there, you gonna get some, so Rod was like hell yeah man, let's go. So, Rod used my brother's ID card to get in the club, because he's too old to get in. We paid our fee and got in. Mack was getting jiggy with the young hoes while Rodney was boxing the air. So, the night came to the end, and we tried to get a ride to Rod's car from my cousin, we were driving toward Rod's car that I saw a hooker walking, I just flew from the car and started following her, but this homeless guy that knew me, stopped me and alerted me that this woman has a dick, so she was transsexual, I had to let that one go, he told me to go to Ralph parking lot and ask for Monica the black chick, I thanked him and told Rod, let's go baby, let's make it happen. So, we went to Ralph, but, we couldn't find her, so, we got of Ralph, but I saw a white hoe in the street, I asked her how much, she told me there are two of us, she wouldn't get in the car, so I asked Rod if I could drive his car, he was like okay, so Rod got of his car in the parking lot and let me drove his car. I approached the hoe and was like, get in, she asked me how much I was willing to spend? I said with proud that I was gonna spend $20, she was like hell noooooo, I said $25, she ran away. So, I was pretty disappointed and tried to go back to Rod, I saw Rod and tried to make a right turn, but suddenly I saw a black hoe walking toward me, I was like hey there, (that means, u a hoe?) she said back up, so i backed up to the parking lot, she sat in the car and before asking me how much i was gonna give her, I gave her 20, she was like 20 will just get you head, i was like it's cool, my dad told I will never get a head in life, so i am trying to prove him wrong, I will prove to him that I just got a head with 20 bucks. she got in and I pulled my pants down, she looked too young, so i had to double check how old she was, she said she was 18, I believed her and let her make dady hard, as she was doing her work, she asked me if the car window was tilted, i said no, she said she is scared to get caught, so, she said let's go somewhere else. I was like cool, so with the condom in my hand and my pants being down, i was driving in Hollywood streets trying to look for a parking spot. I asked her if she was ever caught by the cops, she said, no never, she has been lucky. So after she said that, i found out how lucky she and I were, because the cops had their lights on, so i had to pull over, I was like fuuuuuuuuuuuck. The cops came toward us, first they asked us that why we hadn’t buckle our seat belt, then the next question was, why my pants were down, third question; why there is a condom on the floor, Fourth question; she is not 18 yr old. So I was like, Jail, here I come. The cop asked if i had been drinking, I said no, he did this pen test on me which i failed for some stupid reason, so I kept telling him that I never drink, so he decided to go away. He asked me for car registration and proof of insurance, I was going through Rod's papers, all i found was bunch of receives from K-mart and eBay transactions and bank statements. I luckily found the registration of the car, but I couldn't find the proof of insurance. so, I tried to sweat talk the officers, but that didn't work, i tried to tell them that I am a peace officer, I was trained in Santa Monica college, but that didn't work. So I thought they were giving me a prostitution citation, so I got the citation and told the officers, I will never do this again, they were like, whatever. So they let the hoe go to, I tried to follow her and ask her to complete the job, but i was like, fuck it, Rod's gonna get pissed off and gonna think that I stole his car, so I got back to Rodney and it was pretty interesting when Rod saw me with a ticket in my hand, he told me "hey, dude, she gave you a receive?" That was just a regular Saturday night with two regular boys. stick around for more of my stories, you might learn something.

Mack & Rodney Adventures Posted Tuesday, May 14, 2002 by Mack 10
Wednesday Night Movie;

It was Wednesday, Rodney and I go to free movie screening every single Wednesday night, This time we decided to have two beautiful guests, we had the legendary Amir Ali Samimi Nemati and our Mexican friend, Mr. Nick the Quick. Amir, Nick and Rod came to my house to pick me up, so we were being entertained by Mr. Amir's stories until we arrived at the movie theater. When we got off the car, I noticed that Amir is wearing a brown pants with a blue stripe shirt and a small yellow tie, that was too good to be true, so I asked him to remove his tie, because that was a movie screening and people usually don't dress like that, but he refused to take order. So we finally entered the movie theater all four of us sitting next to each other, Amir kept getting up from his chair and kept coming back to us with new stories everytime, including that one of the staff tried to hit on him, because he was wearing a tie and she thought he was part of the press, but knowing Amir, she probably asked him "if he was depressed?"
So, when we sat down, I had couple of unkind comments about Amir's tie and I decided to call it a night, but Nick got Rodney started about his idol, Mike Tyson, and if you know Rodney, you know that when you mention Tyson, the guy go insane.So, Rodney was telling us that he prays to Tyson 3 times a day and he was telling us about Tyson's accomplishments (how he raped small girls and shit), so this disgusting conversation about Tyson went on about 35 minutes, then we noticed that the two girls that were sitting in front of us, just got up and moved away. I told the crew that, Rodney was the reason those girls flew away, but nobody believed Mack. So after five minutes, we saw two security guard came toward us and they were staring at us, I thought, they were staring at Amir because of his tie, and I was happy, I thought he's gonna get kicked out, but that wasn't the case. The security asked us if we were drinking alcohol, we said "No", she asked all of us to get up and they started searching us and searching our seats. Rodney asked them if they were only searching us or they would do it to everyone, but they said that there were complains against us that we were drunk and we had alcohol with us, so I raised my voice and asked them if they're doing this because we're Middle Easterns, but then I looked at Nick and said, or maybe you're doing this because we got a Mexican with us, so the security went away and we were pretty certain that those ugly whores that were sitting in front of us had tried to tell on us, thanks to Rodney's obsession to that Animal Tyson, they thought we were all drunk. So after the movie I was looking for those fat whores and believe it or not, Nick brought to my attention that those whores were standing if front of us in the escalator, so I was like, okay Nicki, I'm gonna handle if from here, so I went behind them and here's what I said with a drunk Mexican accent, "Hey, man, I wish we had fucking more vodka, hey I can't believe those fucking fat hoes told us on essay, let's go look for them, if I find those hoes, I'll cock slap those bitches, I might even busta cap, fuck them, they don't know me", it was funny if you could have seen the fear of those girls eyes and Rodney and Nick that were holding their laughter, so those girls were so nervous, that they stopped and tried to light a cigarette, and when we went to Amir Ali's car, it could not have been a better night, if we didn't see two chicks making out, Yeeeeeeeeees sir, that's what exactly happened, we ended the night by enjoying a kissing scene by two lesbians and we decided to follow them. That was just our Wednesday movie night adventures, in my next posting in Rajuabju, I will tell you, Mack & Rod's Saturday night adventure, when I was cough by the police in Hollywood having an underaged black hooker in Rodney's car, so, Stick around, you might learn something.


Photo Gallery FINALLY moving Posted Monday, May 13, 2002 by RajuAbju
As myself and Jason the bitch (aka giant clitoris) have been sayin for a few months now, we are finally moving the photo gallery section. They will be temporarily down for a few days while everything is moved and linked back in its own subweb. This is primarily for my own purposes, as it will make for publishing updates a lot easier for me. My entire site is now over 500 html files, and its a bitch and a half to navigate all this nonsense on my computer.

In other news... look for new aol pimp profiles and irc hacker pics coming soon! Also a rework of the ENTIRE Elat Comedy Section...massive expanding thanks to the submissions of matin, jelly and johnfag. The literature section will also soon be getting some updates as will the info center. YAY.

ANOTHER Deadly Trickeration Event Posted Monday, April 29, 2002 by RajuAbju
In related Elat news, one of our members also recently pulled off a potentially deadly trickerating manuever. This elat member single-handedly TOOK OVER THE ROLE OF A BLACK MAN. I kid you not, such a thing is true and I bear witness and verify this personally. On behalf of all elat, I would like to congratulate one of our own for accomplishing this feat!

DOUBLE Trickeration Posted Monday, April 29, 2002 by RajuAbju
Elat News is finally unclassifying some of the details about a double trickeration which took place in February of this year. An Elat Member, whose information is to remain top secret, performed the first ever known double trickeration of woman related activities, goal number #3. Elat women goal #1 has already been achieved previously. Goals #2 and #4 remain up for grabs however, and we continue to strive to accomplish these critical feats.

WHAT YOU GONNA DO WHEN HULKAMANIA RUNS WILD ON YOU Posted Monday, April 22, 2002 by RajuAbju
Updates from BT, new Pictures from our Topanga Canyon Hike, and Sequoia National Park Camping Adventures are up! Misc. additions to the Warez/IRC sections.

NEW POLL IS UP! GO VOTE FOR THE BEST ELAT ADVENTURE OF ALL TIME!

RESULTS FROM OUR LAST POLL ARE IN...IT WAS CLOSE, BUT CONGRATULATIONS TO MACK-10 FOR WINNING WITH ABOUT 25% OF THE VOTE!!!

RAP CONTEST PART 2 VOTES
Mack-10 (Matin) 40
Sam Jelly 36
Sam Dog 36
Danfaaag (Raju) 27
Allen Bina 23

True Story... Posted Tuesday, April 16, 2002 by Sam Jelly
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play
together. One day, the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. The
horse begged for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

The chicken ran back to the farm. He searched and searched for the
farmer, but to no avail, for the farmer had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Z-3 series BMW.
Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he
still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken
arrive in the shiny BMW. He managed to get a hold of the rope the chicken
tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the
farmer's car, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the
powerful car, rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back
to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best
pals. A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon he
too began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse
thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking
underneath, he told the chicken to grab his "thing" and he would then lift him out of
the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and
out, saving his life.

The moral of the story?
..
..
When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

 

AHH Posted Tuesday, April 16, 2002 by RajuAbju
Well apparently... And I'm not quite sure why, Hypermart is pissed off cause my site is supposedly spamming people...or at least sending out too many emails per month. So, they have put my account a probation status... I'm not allowed to make any site changes for the moment. Also, I've temporarily suspended all activities which used formmail.cgi ... Such as dating service emails etc etc. I'm not sure when I will reallow them. I have to talk to hyperfart first and find out what is going on exactly.

For You People That Have JOBS! Posted Sunday, April 7, 2002 by Sam Jelly
Funny Ass Office Pranks

Fake a sneeze
Wet your hand with water so it is dripping. Then walk up behind someone and fake a sneeze. At the same time flick the water at the back of their neck or an arm. Then cover your face as if you just blew snot everywhere and excuse yourself so you can get cleaned up. For kicks, ask them for a tissue.
If you really want to sicken them, wipe your hand on their shoulder


Rubber duck in the water cooler
When changing the office water cooler bottle, place some clean floating toys to the water. Pour some of the water from the bottle out into a plastic bag to make more room. Then watch people react when they see a small rubber duck bouncing around inside the bottle.


Subscribe coworkers to a weird magazine
Go to a magazine store and buy the weirdest magazines you can find, then stick them in your coworkers mailboxes. If you get a really big reaction, subscribe that person to that particular magazine.


Free doughnuts
Buy a box of donuts on Friday. Leave them out so they dry out completely. Then Monday, leave the doughnuts near the coffee maker so everyone will see them. People will pick them up, bite into the doughnut and discover it is stale and rock hard.


Mr Bear Called.
Leave a message for a coworker that a "Mr. Bear" called for them. Write down the number for the local city zoo as the phone number to call.
Other useful names include: Buffy Lowe, Ellie Font, Jay Raffe, Ty Gere, Bab Heun and the old standby, Anna Conda.


 

-UPDATES!- Posted Wednesday, April 3, 2002 by RajuAbju
Well, as many of you know, I have not updated the site for approximately 2 weeks now. Why you may ask? Firstly, I fucked up my wrist and fingers (no, not from masturbating, from basketball). I have not really been able to use my right hand for about a week now. It is FINALLY feeling a better though, I know you are all so happy for me. Secondly, it was Passover, for us Jewish folks. Not that I really care, or celebrate, but I figure I could use it as an excuse for not doing anything with the website. Third, I've been busy with school, trying to actually pass all my classes this semester, which is something I have not done in quite some time. And fourth, I felt like being lazy, so fuck off if you don't like it.

Anyhow, I will be updating the following sections within the next few days: AOL PIMPS, IRC HACKER PICS, ELAT ADVENTURES, MONOPOLY SCORES, POOL TOURNAMENT SCORES, JOKE PICTURES, NEW CAR PICTURES, NEW HOT WOMEN PICTURES, NEW UNDERCOVER MEN OF AOL PROFILES, AND INFORMATION ABOUT THE UPCOMING MIKE TYSON/LENNOX LEWIS FIGHT.

Also, our frontpage will soon be updated with a new picture, and poll, which means our ELAT RAP CONTEST WILL BE ENDING THIS FRIDAY, SO RAPPERS, SEND IN YOUR FINAL RAPS OF THE CONTEST IN ASAP!!!

-Danny, aka RajuAbju

Happy Passover Posted Saturday, March 23, 2002 by John King
As we all know, Passover is once again almost upon us. However, you may have not done all of your shopping for this wonderous event. As a result, John King in partnership with our Spiritual advisor have procurred:

http://www.nationallampoon.com/MoDstyles/wwwaste/crjew/crjew.asp

in order to assist my constituants in their holy buying adventures.

Happy Shabbos!!

ELAT FARMING IDIOT #1 Posted Wednesday, March 20, 2002 by RajuAbju
Very recently, our undercover MEN OF AOL agents were engaing with local idiots in various chatrooms, when one particular moron stood out, asses beyond the rest. We plead with you to make contact with this moron, but do so cautiously, as you are likely to lose some brain cells after conversing with him for any extended period of time.

Now, it is NOT the policy of Elat to ever give out personal information of people...but this is an exception to our rules.

AOL SCREEN NAME: Livfast C 2002
Phone Number:(714) 542-1096
Real Name: Anthony

Tell him its Veronica and you wanna have sex with him and see what he responds with. :)

Oh yea, please don't fucking tell this moron that his information is listed here, else it wouldn't be very funny if he knew how people got his number and why there were calling him? Duh.

Questions and Answers Posted Wednesday, March 20, 2002 by Sam Dog
Hello dear fans, I have been getting some emails from people regarding their sexual problems. Now I am no Doctor Ruth, but I am chicky chikcy Samdog ... so I can help ... I have posted here some emails I got and my replies. If you have any questions about sex ... feel free to email me

--------
question
--------
Samdog ... my boyfriend keeps wanting to bang me in the ass ... i love him ...when we make love i want to look into his eyes ..instead he just loves getting me from behind, yanking my hair ... and to make it worst he cums on me at the end. Samdog what should I do?

"Torn Rectum"
Queens, NY

-------------------
The Dogg's Response
-------------------
Well "Torn Rectum" ... this is a severe case of ASS ( Ass Sex Syndrom ) ... most guys get like that because as young babies ...their parents would delay changing their diappers, giving them ass irritation ... your boyfriend wants to tear your ass apart due to frustration over his parents lack of concern ... try talking to him about this problem ... and if all else fails ..stick a big rod up his ass and ask him how that feels .... and worst cums to worst ..dump his ass and CUM TO SAMDOGG


--------
question
--------
Samdogg ... i have a problem ..i can't stop jacking off ...i do it in the morning ..i do it at night ...sometimes when i am at work ...i even take frequent bathroom breaks ...to take care of business ... i don't know why ..but i keep having to go down there ...what should i do
"Running Out Quick"
San Francisco, CA

-----------------------
and the Dogg's response
-----------------------
Ok now my friend I understand your grief ... jacking off is an extremely delicious delicacy ..but can lead to a low sperm count my man ..i'll give you my personal secret ... when ever you gots to jiggity jiggity .... think of your Mom, or your Grandmother, or your sister ....(unless your mack 10 ...his sister is a slut) ..think of something nasty which you would never relate to sex ...the goal here is SHRINKAGE ...if that doesn't work ... i know a certain lady in a local dejavu ..named Mehagonie who will take care of ya ...speaking of jacking off ...now i know what i'm doing tonight

--------
question
--------
Hi Samdogg ... ohhh g-d I love you ... ever since I saw your sexy pics on rajuabju.com ..i've been in love ..Samdogg . .i keep having fantasies about you ...in those fantasies ..i am giving you mean blow jobs ..followed by a good bang-a-thon ... you fuck my senseless ..i really would love for these fantasies to come true ..my only problem is that I have a boyfriend ...what should I do you sexy devil you?

"desperate for samdogg"
Dallas, TX

ps. my name is Jenny

-------------------
the Dogg's Response
-------------------
Hi "desperate" or Jenny .... don't worry about it ..its perfectly natural to be in love with me ..after all ...i am SAMMMMMMDOGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!! ..who wouldn't fall for all this sexy hair on my body ( hey if it worked for Austin Powers, it'll work for me ) ... but this is an extremely delicate situation ... the wrong move could lead to disaster ..so what i suggest to you is to cum on down to LA ...and cum to my clinic ..and I will help you take care of the problem ...ps. bring ..come condoms ..i'm all out .

Ok then this is all the time I got for today .. .feel free to contact me ..alrighty then ...bang lots of bitches ..and stay making the riches ...i'm out ...Samdogg!!!!!!!!!!

Picture Gallery Posted Tuesday, March 12, 2002 by Giant Clitoris
Ok. So I never got around to moving the picture galleries to their own subsection. Fuck off. I'll do so later this week if I have enough time. So anyhow, they may be down temporarily for some time.

Breaking News Posted Sunday, March 3, 2002 by John King
In a recent interview with Mack-10 regarding the ongoing rap deathmatch, I was informed about a recent PAUL encounter. Officially this is the second Paul encounter by two separate Elateers. Mack was exiting the Beverly Connection Parking Structure in his emerald green SUV when low and behold, he saw Paul entering the structure. Not missing an oppourtunity, Mack screamed out "Paaalll," and Paul responded with a "Heey." Needless to say it was a crazy adventure. Reportedly, Paul has lost some weight obviously due to the overworked sex glands. But I am proud to report that he is in good health although there were roomers that he may have been in some Mexican hospital. The conversation was not long, but Paul assured Mack-10 that he would call him at his soonest convinience. I know that may be anywhere between 6 months to a year.

In a related news, our Chief Financial Officer, Siavash was honored by a phone call by Paul. The depth of the conversation is not meant for this site, but John King can tell you that Paul did mention that he did trade-in his car in for another. Specifically it is not known but Mack-10 can confirm this fact. Mack's conversation took place at speeds of 100 mph due to the fact that Paul does not travel any slower than that one the roadway.

John King will keep you informed of all related news as they occur. For updates stay tuned to http://rajuabju.com/elat/ and remember every event is an elat adventure waiting to happen.

Photo Sections Posted Friday, February 15, 2002 by Giant Clitoris
Due to the Elat subweb getting so large, I will be moving the photo gallery sections to a new subweb of its own. (the elat web becoming too large is what caused all those problems last time around and why the site was down for 2-4 weeks). During this time, ONLY the photo gallery section may experience some down time while it gets moved... sorry for the inconvenience, but it is better that I do this now, instead of later when it becomes a major problem. Expect that the photo gallery and all its subsections will be on and off line for the next 3-4 days while everything is transferred.

Joke Of Da Day! Posted Saturday, February 9, 2002 by Sam Jelly
Danny applied to join a nudist club. "Exactly what do you do here?" he asked.
"It's quite simple," said the club secretary, "We take off all our clothes and commune with nature." "Cool," said Danny, "...count me in!!!"
Danny paid his membership fee, took off his gear and strolled off.
As he walked along a path, he saw a big sign which read, "Beware of Gays."
A little further along he saw another sign which read the same thing "Beware of Gays."
Danny continued walking until he came to a small clearing which had a bronze plaque set in the ground.
Danny bent over to read the plaque and it said, "Sorry,... You've had two warnings!"

 

HOLY SHIT... MEGA UPDATES! Posted Friday, February 8, 2002 by RajuAbju
As per the request of Rodfaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaag...this is a complete list of updates.

A) TWO ALL NEW ADVENTURES ADDED! The "Combo Night Out' & "Joshua Tree" extraveganzas!! Also, recently added "PCH Secret" & "Gas Refueling" adventures

B) UPDATED MONOPOLY SCORES & TITLES!

C) JOKES!! Mostly the courtesy of JCJO & Sam Jelly

D) SCOTT!! Our newly availible bachelor! Check him out in our dating section!

E) BT Gatherings! New pictures...located in the Picture Galleries

F) IRC hacker pictures!! New hackers added, courtesy of Forbin eahaehahehaehha

G) Also, we recently created a new section ... for our monthly Pool competitions.

H) ALL NEW MEN OF AOL!! More than ever before, check out these loser people trying to get laid by the vivacious VERONICA!

I) NEW soul food receipe's in Jamie's cookbook!!! Learn to create that delicious meal you've always wanted!

THE WHORE-OSCOPE Posted Wednesday, February 6, 2002 by Sam Dog
Hellow elat ... how you doin? I have recently decided to take a voyage into the cosmic realm and do some investigation regarding people's future's ... i have CUM across some interesting discoveries regarding people's futures. It's all in the first letter of your first name ... check it out

SAM'S WHORE-OSCOPE - what the future holds for you

If your name starts with a ....

A - provide samdogg with some Ass
B - Blow samdogg away
c - Cum on over to Samdogg
d - suck on samdogg's Dick
e - Entertain samdogg, preferably by getting butt nakid
f - ehhhh ...Fuck samdogg
g - Go and fuck samdogg now!!!!
h - Stop being a Ho and fuck Samdogg already
i - Indulge on Samdogg's dick ... have fun with it
j - Jack Samdogg off - use one hand, two hands, no hands
k - make sure its Kosher - bless it before you eat it
l - Lick samdogg's nuts ... lick em ..slurrrrp
m - Make samdogg your pimp
n - get butt Nakid for samdogg
o - when Samdogg asks to fuck you ... say Ok
p - Give samdogg some Pussy
q - Quality and Quantity - fuck Samdogg real good and if possible bring some friends to join the fun
r - Remember Samdogg when your horny
s - Suck Samdogg dry
t - let samdogg suck your Tits
u - Undress infront of Samodogg
v - Lose your Virginity to Samdogg
w - Why not just fuck Samdogg
x - Make a porno with Samdogg ..rated X
y - You know you want Samdogg
z - eat Samdogg's dick like Zuchini

Follow these words of wisdom
follow em now
Samdogg is waiting .... ha ha ha ha ha ha

Chinese Proverbs Explain Elat Life Posted Tuesday, February 5, 2002 by Jahan Gere
After mourning for days over the Mike Tyson Media Day Fiasco, John King Productions has gone back to action to bring you an update of Elat events. As of yet, we are not sure whether the Tyson fight will take place; however, Rod Fag has assured us that if Tyson does not get a California license to box/bite in the Staples Center, then Rod Fag will personally strip down to his heart design boxers and bend over while receiving IPP style anal pressure. Of course the Elat cameras will be there to webcast the full event in a joint venture with Microsoft, a subsidary of John King Productions. Thank you and here is a little Chinese proverb action for you all to enjoy:

Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
******
Man who run in front of car get tired.
******
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
******
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
******
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
******
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
******
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
******
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
******
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
******
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
******
Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth.
******
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
******
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
******
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
******
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
******
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
******
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
******
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
******
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
******
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
******
Crowded elevator smell different to midget

Check Dis Out! Posted Sunday, February 3, 2002 by Sam Jelly
Danny goes out to Las Vegas, and wins really big in one of the casinos. When you win big in Vegas the casino will give you free things, like meals, show tickets, or rooms, this is all designed to keep you there so that you will lose what money you have won.

After winning fifty thousand dollars at the crap table, the casino decides to give Danny a night in the penthouse suite. He goes up to the room, opens the big double doors, and steps into a three room suite. The room is on a corner of the hotel and two walls are nothing but windows, with a fantastic view of the city. There's a wet bar in one corner, with a big screen TV. The guy drops his bag on money in a chair and stands looking out the windows at the city. He realizes he is all alone and needs someone to share his good fortune with. He calls down to the front desk and tells the clerk to send up one of the best high-priced call girls in the city.

Thirty minutes later there's a knock on the door. Danny opens it and there is the most gorgeous girl he has ever seen. Long blond hair, short red dress, and spiked heels. She walks into the room. The guy goes over to the bar and fixes two drinks, he gives one to the hooker, and drinks one himself.

"Now, down to business," he says. "How much for a hand job?"

The hooker says, "Honey, a hand job is $500.00"

"What? That's outrageous."

"Come over here," she says walking towards one of the windows. "See that strip mall over there," pointing out the window, "I own the last two stores on the end. I was able to buy those stores with the money I saved from giving hand jobs. I must be pretty damn good."

"All right, screw it, money is no object."

A half hour after she's done Danny is sitting on the couch reveling in ecstasy. He gets up, goes to the bar and makes two more drinks. He gives one to the hooker and drinks one himself.

"That was the best hand job I have ever had. How much for a blow job?"

"Honey, a blow job is $5000.00"

"What? That's outrageous."

"Come over here," she says walking towards another one of the windows. "See that hotel and casino over there on the corner," pointing out the window? "I own that. I was able to buy it with the money I saved from giving blow jobs. I must be pretty damn good."

"All right, what the hell, it's only money." Danny gives her $5000.00

An hour after she's done, the guy is laying on the couch, head rolled back, eyes rolled up inside his head, a little drool coming out of the corner of his mouth. He gets up, barely able to stand, staggers over to the bar, mixes two more drinks, gives one to the hooker, and drinks one himself.

"My god, that was the best blow job I have ever had, I've gotta know, how much for some pussy?"

The hooker looks at him and says, "Honey, if I had a pussy I would own this whole city............"

-Sam

Groom Killed By Stripper's Boobs! Posted Monday, January 28, 2002 by RajuAbju
***THIS IS FOR SAMDOG...PLEASE BE SAFE WHEN PLAYING WITH MAHAGONY***

Groom Killed By Stripper's Boobs
Wednesday January 16, 2002

GENEVA - A fun-filled bachelor party at a strip club turned deadly when a 32-year-old groom-to-be who was enjoying the attentions of a well-endowed stripper suffocated while his face was buried in her breasts.

The mind-boggling drama unfolded, say cops, while Daniel Greene was attending his bachelor party at the Pretty Kitty strip club.

The club had been rented out for the private affair.

According to investigators, Greene was enjoying a lap dance when disaster struck: One of the strippers, Kandy Kane, got too into her performance and suffocated the man between her 72-DD breasts.

Witnesses said that Greene had had his fair share of beer, but didn't seem out-of-control.

When the song "I'm Too Sexy" began to play, Greene became excited and began to dance on the tabletop, hooting and hollering, pals said, "like an idiot."

Miss Kane, apparently pleased to see someone enjoying her choice in music, moved in closer.

When Greene took his seat, she began giving him a lap dance, shaking her breasts in his face.

The more she shook, the deeper Greene got lost in her cleavage.

"Daniel was having so much fun," partygoer John Gillman said.

"We all thought he loved being in that gal's chest.

"Who could have known that when he was waving his hands around, he was signaling for help?"

Cheering onlookers eventually realized that Greene was no longer moving, and pulled him from between Miss Kane's breasts.

Now Greene's family is suing Miss Kane and the Pretty Kitty for wrongful death.

Greene's father, George, won't specify the amount they are suing for, but claims that it isn't about the money.

"Those breasts were lethal weapons," he told reporters.

"The Pretty Kitty should not have allowed Miss Kane to have her bust enhanced to the size that she did.

"We hope that by filing this lawsuit, we can send a message to other strippers: keep your bra size within a reasonable range."

Kandy Kane made a statement through her attorneys: "I thought he liked it in there. "

The Pretty Kitty declined comment.

 

Stop Stinking Posted Monday, January 21, 2002 by JooJoo
1. Dragon Breath
Lick your finger and smell it. Did you pass out? Assuming you’re already brushing your teeth twice a day, try also brushing as far back on your tongue as you can. If you eat stinky foods like garlic or camel dung, munch parsley to defuse odors. Mouthwash is also a good quick fix, but beware—rinses with alcohol, like your morning gargle of Jim Beam, can dry your mouth and cause worse breath in the long run.

2. Hot Crotch
Are women more afraid of your balls than Ray Charles facing Roger Clemens? Here’s a tip: If it’s been six to eight hours between showers, the boys are ripe. You need a good cleanin.. Cotton boxers let breezes blow down there…and blowing down there is definitely good.

3. Pits of Hell
Science fun fact: Perspiration actually has no odor. What generates funk-o-tronics is the bacteria that are chowing down on it. Proper application is the best way to stop stinkage: First swab your pits with astringent to kill bacteria, then smear antiperspirant an inch past your hair zone to hit all the sweat glands. Top off the defunked pits with a loose cotton shirt to let air circulate and you can raise your hand again.

4. Foot Funk
Feet. Cheese. Supposed to smell different. Don’t. The easiest way to control hobbit feet is wearing all-leather shoes—cowhide offers better ventilation and absorption than synthetics. Also, rotate shoes so each pair has a day to dry out. Changing socks midday will help, too, as will washing the dogs with deodorant soap, and drying them completely before dressing. Odor-eating inserts can help, but they must be changed before they give out or it’s limburger on a hot radiator time all over again.

5. Too Much Smell
Women like it when men have a nice cologne smell. Too much is a bad thing. Dont pick a cologne that is overpowering. Something like Coolwater, Eternity or Gio are great. And about 2-3 sprays is PLENTY. Cologne is some sort of a turn on for women. Its an attraction that draws them near, so too much, and it will make them go the other way.

Be good. Dont Smell.
JooJoo

thank you for the poll Posted Thursday, January 17, 2002 by Giant Clitoris
As expected, the majority of our visitors to rajuabju.com believed that the site has since improved from the previous version before the meltdown. We thank you for your continued support, and always useful suggesstions in making further improvements. A new poll, (one that I feel most men will relate to) has been put up as of today

Bad Lib's Posted Monday, January 14, 2002 by JooJoo
Remember Mad-Lib’s? That wacky game of adding the nouns, verbs, body parts… etc? Well, if you are having a hard time talking dirty to your significant other, here’s some help: (all bad-lib’s can be reversed to reflect male or female, just make the proper changes like, you don’t want to tell someone you wish you could sit on their lap if you’re a guy saying/writing this to your woman… just edit that part out.)
Bad Lib #1
Theme: A Letter to Your Lover
Here's a great way to introduce your new vocabulary to your lover (and warm up your "engine" at the same time). Just imagine how thrilled they’ll be to find this letter waiting on their pillow!

(name) I've been thinking about you all day and about how much I love your (noun). I can't get it out of my head. I love the way it feels in my (noun). Just thinking about it there makes my (noun) (adjective). I wish you were here right now so that I could run my (noun) up and down your (noun). No one's (noun) has ever affected me the way yours does. The way you (verb) me with it makes me want to scream with delight. My (noun) is (verb)-ing just imagining you (verb)-ing me. Come and get me, (name). My (noun) is your (noun).

Bad Lib #2
Theme: The "Bad" Dinner
This is definitely not a Bad-Lib for your first date! But you'll know when the time is right to use it ...

I love to eat (noun) because it's such a sensual food. The way it feels on my tongue reminds me of (verb)-ing you because it's so soft and smooth. I know they say that oysters are an aphrodisiac, but for me, (noun) really puts me in the mood. The combination of the texture, the smell and the taste excite my senses to such a degree that I get completely turned on. So much so that right now, as I sit here, I wish I could come over there, sit on your lap, and slip my (noun) down your (noun). I'd like to take this olive oil and drizzle it on your (noun) and then use my hand to (verb) you until you're close to (verb)-ing. Then I'd take the whipped cream from my cappuccino, smear it on my (noun), and hide you under the table while you (verb) it off me. And when neither of is could stand it any more, I'd let you take me right here on this banquette, and slide your olive-oiled (noun) into my (adjective), (adjective), (noun), until we both (verb) like we've never (verb-ed) before.


Bad-Lib #3
Theme: Bad in Bed
Here's how you can take a few glowing coals and fan them until they're a raging bonfire of desire, emotion, and physical passion. Talking sexy in bed is what separates the bad from the bold.

I've been thinking about your hands on my (noun) all day. Can I put your hand there myself? Your fingers are so strong. I love how their slight roughness feels against the silkiness of my (noun). I'm getting (adjective). Can you feel it? (Verb) me again; just like you just did. Do you mind if I (verb) your (noun)? I'd really like to. Actually, I need to. Actually, if I don't, I may just go out of my mind. Give it to me. Give me your (adjective) (noun). Put it in my (noun). Do you like that? I like it. I like it a lot. In fact, I love it. You're getting so (adjective). Touch my (noun). Look what you're doing to me. I'm going to (verb) my (noun) so that you can (verb) me there. Just like that. Just like that. Give me more. I need more. Touch my (noun) while you (verb) me. Feel my (noun). It feels so good. Your (noun) feels so good. Your (noun) tastes so good. Does my (noun) taste good? Tell me how good it tastes. You're driving me crazy. I'm ready for your (noun). Can I have it? Can I have it now? Oh yes. Thank you. Thank you. My (noun) is on fire. If you touch it I might ... You're like a (noun). I can't take much more. I'm close to (verb)-ing. (Verb) with me. I want to (verb) with you. It's close; it's so close. (Verb) me harder. Faster. Deeper. Harder.

Whew! Personally, I'm ready for a cigarette! Hot enough for you? BAD enough for you? If not, bump it up a notch or two. If it's a little too hot to handle, choose the phrases you like, use those, and then make up some of your own. This isn't a script to be memorized so much as a "blue" print for your own personal dialogue. You don't need me to put words in your mouth; you've become quite proficient at that on your own.

Enjoy your courage, you only live once..
xoxoxo
JooJoo
 

-Updates- Posted Saturday, January 12, 2002 by RajuAbju
I've added new men of aol, soul food receipe's to Jaime's fantastic cookbook, my secret adventures with Sam Jelly, and monopoly updates for the last few weeks. Who would have thought Siavaaaaaash would be champion again? Also, more jokes added thanks to the work of Sam Jelly and JCJO

Also coming soon, lots of new pictures!! I have over 50 that need to be put up!

Seducing Your Hot Friend Posted Friday, January 4, 2002 by JooJoo
Step 1: Break the Mold
“You have to change the tone of your encounters,” says Trish McDermott, dating columnist and vice president of romance (seriously) at www.match.com. No, that doesn’t mean introducing Two for Flinching. It means doing more things one-on-one. “Move from a PG rating to more of an R,” says McDermott. “Instead of bike riding together, fix her dinner and share some wine.” When she’s good and tipsy, you can whip her ass in that bike race.

Step 2: Do Your Research
“He who has the most information wins,” McDermott says. Luckily, you’re privy to everything from her favorite food to her secret sexual fantasy, so do things she likes. You should also increase intimacy with her. Complain that you can’t find a girl like her to date, and initiate friendly physical contact. “Demonstrate a claim on her in social situations,” McDermott says. “Put your hand on her to show other guys she’s taken.” Shoulder, yes; ass, no.

Step 3: Pucker Up
If it’s going to happen, she should be giving signs by now—touching, flirting, presenting her red, mandrill-like buttocks. Time to make your move. “Get her in an intimate situation and ask, ‘What would you do if I kissed you?’” McDermott suggests. If she flings herself out the window, you can always blame the moment and still be friends. “People don’t usually regret the rejections,” says McDermott, “only the things they never tried.” Unless it’s your body rejecting a kidney transplant, of course.

***If you still dont know what your doing after this.. dont try anymore with that chick. your a lost cause.. you pussy.
With Lots of Love and New Year Wishes,
JooJoo

~Updates~ Posted Thursday, December 27, 2001 by RajuAbju
Made about a dozen or so minor updates throughout of the site yesterday and today...have a few more to go...then I will begin updating the important stuff again.

AND NICK WILL NEVER TAKE OVER MY MONOPOLY TITLE!!!

Guide For Men Posted Tuesday, December 18, 2001 by JooJoo
Guide for the Men
1. Always work the room in tandem
: You and your buddy are inseparable—at least until one of you hooks up. In the meantime he’s there to tell the girl you’ve just met all the great things about you that you are just too modest to bring up yourself.
2. Always make eye contact.
: If she’s staring at you, either you’re a freak or she digs you (or she digs freaks). If she looks at you, and you’re not a freak, look back. Break the eye contact at this point, leaving her in suspense. “Is he coming over?” she giggles to her girlfriend. Continue to make eye contact throughout the night. If you’re lost in her eyes, you don’t have to worry about getting caught eyeing other women or peeking down her blouse
3. Never leave her side.
: The most effective salespeople are those who cling to you like lampreys. The fact is, it’s hard to say no to someone. Once you’re locked on, do not let go. If the two of you decide on a change of scene, go in the same car. At no point give her time to realize what a square you really are. Just don’t go psycho and cling to her for bathroom breaks or when you know its time to go home. Don’t be pushy. She’s your eye candy, if you go too far, she might not want to see you again.
4. Never go on parade.
: Don’t be seen wandering around on your own with no clear purpose. Being spotted in this attitude downgrades you instantly from eligible bachelor to ineligible lurking weirdo.
5. Never approach a girls’ night out.
: It may look like tasty treats, but it is in fact a trap. A girls’ night out may consist of five to 10 women; they are drinking hard and complaining about men. They’ll make indecipherable inside jokes at your expense, jokes that make no sense but result in everyone laughing at you.
6. Always use the five-face repertoire:
Intrigued; Surprised; Sympathetic; Amused; Suspicious
7. Never use a pick-up line
: Because come-on lines (“Are you Greek? Because you look like a goddess.” “Got any Italian in you? Want some?”) are dubious even in jest. A genuine observation is better (“You have your pants off; what is your name?”), but the safest opening ploy is just to smile, introduce yourself, and then ask a question that cannot be answered with “yes” or “no” (“So tell me, why are your pants off?”).
8. Never let rejection stop you.
: The adage “The worst she can say is no” is a lie. The worst she can say is (holding out her hand) “Do you want your testicle back?” If she freezes you out, chant “It’s not me. It’s her” five times under your breath, and try again with someone new.
9. Always show your randy side.
: A lot of guys labor under the delusion that they should hide their true intentions until the very end of the night, pretend to be perfect gentlemen who’re only interested in polite conversation up to the last minute, then suddenly transform into sexual dynamos. Wrong. You’re not trying to convince her to marry you; you’re trying to convince her to sleep with you…tonight. Women know that guys who are interested in sex are likely to be interesting in bed. Either imply or make it abundantly clear that you are a sensualist.
10. Never talk scary.
: Self-explanatory. Don’t talk about the naked pictures you have of your sisters friend during the last slumber party. Women don’t want to hear that sicko.
11. Always tell childhood stories.
: Nothing is more disarming than a nice tale from the good old days. You must make her see the outlines of that sweet little boy in your corrupt old man’s face. Exercise caution in story selection, however, because tales about how your dad wouldn’t pull the car over and you pooped in your pants are going to get you nowhere.
12. Always have complete mastery of at least two books.
: Again, Self-explanatory. Even if you need to get some cliff notes on some book like The Red and the Black do it. Don’t look like an idiot when she wants to talk about intelligent book reading. This is great for discussion.
13. Always break the touch barrier.
: The most difficult hurdle to overcome is the initial fear of contact. This is why Europeans get laid more, because when they’re introduced to women, they touch and kiss hello. So try to find an excuse to touch her, or give her a reason to touch you. Be touchable: A silk shirt or cashmere sweater can help a lot. (personal experience: touchy feely shirts work. Especially when there is some sort of toxic substance involved.) But don’t just grab her. That’s like talking scary.
14. Always establish that you know other women.
: Having a woman with you in a friendly capacity means you’re not totally inept. If you can’t produce one in the flesh, make sure to refer to a wide circle of female friends and acquaintances. “My friend Amanda says...”
15. Always have more of whatever substance you’re consuming back at your place.
: Keep the night rolling smoothly by offering a change of venue for the same activity. “Hey, let’s go back to my house and smoke on the roof.” By offering her an excuse for a visit, you can help her trick herself into thinking she’s only coming over to hang out for a while and then going home.
16. Always spend all your money.
: Women want to be swept off their feet. Since you don’t care how they get off their feet, sweeping will do.
17. Always take advantage of another man’s failure.
: You can often turn someone else’s failed attempt to your advantage. When you see some dunderhead go down in flames, pounce. With any luck her blood lust will have been sated. Imitating the pathetic attempts at conversation you overheard or his white man’s shuffle, use your predecessor’s exit to stage your entry.
18. Always reveal a secret.
: Start the story, laugh gently, stop for a second, and say, “I can’t believe I’m telling you this.” Then fill in the blank. Make it all up if you want to: The important thing is that she is the only one you trusted with this tale. It encourages her, in turn, to see you as the only one she would trust to get in her pants. Tailor your confession to the information she has already given you: “I wouldn’t want the guys to know, but I’m a total cat guy. They are so soft and fuzzy. I just love them.”
19. Always speak in hushed tones.
: If you can’t come up with a secret, you can still use the voice of secrecy. Even when you’re simply stating the obvious, make sure to lower your voice to a gravelly whisper. Your voice may not send shivers down her spine, but that’s not the point. Women are always aware of their standing in the eyes of the crowd. Put on a show of great mirth for the assembled masses, then lean down and whisper something quietly, just to her. The others will think you’re seriously connecting and that she’s the star of your show, which is what she wants them to think.
20. Never look desperate.
: Again, Self-explanatory.
21. Always exercise one hour before you go out.
: Exercise relaxes you, decreases the appearance of desperation, and is among the leading causes of getting laid. It wouldn’t hurt matters to not be a big fat-ass, either.
22. Always try the hotel bar.
: Why do you think they call it layover?
23. Always look like you’re having the best time. Smile.
: You and your crew should be smiling, teasing each other, and laughing, clearly enjoying each other’s company. Obviously this scene is easiest to create when you actually are enjoying yourself, but if for some reason your regular crew was unavailable or you just have lame friends, you’ve got to fake it. Grin, grin like an idiot, and do whatever you can to keep the conversation rolling.
24. Always JOKE—Tell her one she’ll actually laugh at.
: Some women have a different sense of humor than men do. So no nasty dirty jokes that you and the guys tell over a game of poker or some beers. How about learn a tasteful one?
25. Always Hit on Beautiful Women
: We all know that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, no matter how drunk you are. But there are beautiful women out there that think men are intimidated by them. Men think automatic rejection when they think a goddess has entered the room. Who says you cant just go up and speak to her?
26. Always use one word that she doesn’t know.
: The word fard means to apply makeup. Wrinkle your nose and ask, “Did you fard? You look lovely.” This will certainly throw her off, and possibly embarrass her. Use it wisely or not at all. Try to work chattel into it. Chattel is movable pieces of personal property. “Let’s collect our chattel and go to a back table.” Women hunger for knowledge.
27. Always feed her drinks.
: But never feed yourself drinks. After your third vodka and tonic, switch to club soda with a slice of lime.
28. Always exploit a woman’s competitive instinct.
: In any size group of women, two or more of them will hate each other. Figure out which one your target despises and mock her gently (use “hushed tones”). “Your friend Janice is a little snappy; maybe it’s because she’s not as pretty as you.” (be careful of this one as well, she may take it as a you attacking her friend, which she may not like)
29. Never lean out too far for a kiss.
: Your body should be right up close to hers so that all you have to do is turn your head and extend your face ever so slightly. Your lips should be on hers before she’s had a chance to think. If she has to watch your big head make the approach from an odd angle, she may bob and weave.
30. Always touch her neck.
: The neck is not only a great place to break the touch barrier but a fantastic first-kiss location. If she’s looking away, there’s no chance of rejection and you’ve neatly circumvented any stigma surrounding the first kiss.
31. Always carry Pez.
: Pull it out casually and offer her a candy goiter. The Pez dispenser is like a magic wand. (you may want to include your childhood moment surrounding the candy, it’s a great conversation starter)
32. Never give your friends high-fives behind her back.
: She will recognize you as immature and deny you entry into the Golden Valley.
33. Always play instrumentals.
: You never want to risk her hearing some lyric that gives her second thoughts. One chorus of “Papa Don’t Preach” and you’ll be stuck with a hand job. Korn’s “Dead Bodies Everywhere” should also be limited to low rotation. ( this doesn’t mean learn to play the guitar, but if you did, that would help your chances, chicks dig men that know how to play an instrument. Its like the rock star glam.)
34. Always talk about clothes.
: Compliment hers, which shows that you notice. Mention that you’ve got to do some shopping yourself, which shows that even if she hates how you dress, she can change you.
35. Always be the new face at the bar.
: You’re a man. What do you care if they see you as fresh meat?
36. Always appease the Nottie
: For every Hottie or group of Hotties, there exists a correspondingly unattractive Nottie who will do everything in her power to make sure her friends don’t meet guys and ditch her. The Nottie is a formidable enemy. She will turn her back on your approach, she will shoot down your attempts at comedy, she will identify the most ridiculous aspect of your physical appearance and whisper a joke about it into the Hottie’s ear. In short, she will sabotage your rap without mercy.
Like a volcano god, the Nottie must be appeased. This is where your buddy comes in. He must cast himself into the Nottie’s noxious flames and bear the brunt of her foul and capricious ways. He must return her cruel mockery with self-deprecating humor, compliment her on her keen sense of fashion, and engage her in intellectual conversation. If need be, he must sleep with her. But that’s what friends are for.
37. Always ask her if she writes.
: All women imagine themselves to be creative souls. She will answer either “Yes” or “I’ve always wanted to, but…” (great conversation carrier as well… )
38. Never go for what’s behind door number three.
: If you’ve got a green light, don’t look to trade up. Take the sure bet.
39. Always smell good.
: No woman likes it when the man that is trying to pick up on her stinks like rotten eggs. But then, no woman likes it when a mans fragrance is overbearing. Don’t go overboard on the cologne – that’s a desperation call if a lady’s ever seen one.
40. Always have a last-ditch desperation ploy.
: If all else fails, tell her you’re working on an article on how to meet beautiful women.


- compliments of the great mind of JooJoo and some of the works of Maxim Magazine.
 

YES!! Posted Friday, December 14, 2001 by RajuAbju
After another near-sleepless night, www.rajuabju.com is now 100% up and running. All 486 current pages in the website are up, online, working and looking good!!! There are still a list of small things I am going to be changing (the look of a few navigation buttons etc etc). But the site is fully functional, AND, after nearly a month of no new updates, I WILL BE POSTING UPDATES!!! New, crazy pictures! The secret sunset crusing adventure! And sooooo much more! So stay tuned! Also, as many of you noticed, I have removed ALL music, many of the page transitions, and the rajuabju.com shockwave file (except on the homepage). My site now loads approximately 25% faster than ever before!!! If anything is still too slow...get DSL, I dont wanna hear anymore whining.

Good news, my fellow elateers! Posted Wednesday, December 12, 2001 by RajuAbju
I am happy to report that the guestbook, warez & irc, literature kiosk, and info center are now 100% operational, and, even better than before. Thanks to Melissa for giving the brilliant ideas she did, and I believe navigating my site is now easier then ever! I will continue to work on the Elat Pages day and night until all that needs to be fixed is done.

I APOLOGIZE! Posted Sunday, December 9, 2001 by RajuAbju
Ok. TO EVERYONE: I AM SORRY. I know this site has been fucked for nearly 3 weeks now. I have been trying to fix it. I've come to the conclusion that the only way to correct it was to redo the site from scratch, which I have been doing. With over 400 html files, 3000 images, and dozens of cgi and other things, its a very time consuming and delicate process. So far, I have been able to restore aproximately 30% of the site. The only thing left is Elat Farming (which of course is the main attraction here). I will continue working on my site until EVERYTHING has been restored. I will continually keep everyone updated on the progress I am making. Thank you for your understanding and patience.

Last Poll Results Posted Friday, November 16, 2001 by RajuAbju
The Final Tally on where Bin Laden is hiding:

Afgahnistan -in some ghetto ass cave 23 27.06 %
Pakistan -with his gay lovers 11 12.94 %
IRAN -aka in the middle of buttfuck no where 12 14.12 %
IRAQ -in Saddam's bed 16 18.82 %
United States -maybe a neighbor? 3 3.53 %
Cuba -with cousin Fidel, combing their beards 1 1.18 %
Glendale -with the rest of those Armenians 7 8.24 %
Bahamas -nekkid on the beach, screwing hot chicks 6 7.06 %
Israel -been captured and in jail! :) 6 7.06 %

NEW POLL IS UP!!! ALSO, I know I haven't been able to update the site at all the last 2-3 weeks, but this weekend I will be working nonstop!

Guide to Strip Clubbing Posted Wednesday, November 14, 2001 by Sam Dog
Hello my horny fellows out there ... i'm about to let out my secret tips of strip clubbing ( yeahy yeahy ) ( chickie chikie chick )

(1) Dejavu ( In north hollywood )
after using your la weekly add to get in free
( still have to pay for drinks ) locate a black stripper
named Mehagonie ...take to the back ... be nice ..there's
free jizzing in it for you ( for all that dont' know what
jizzing is, just wait, she'll teach ya ;) ) - just say samdogg
sent ya

(2) Jet Strip ( in Hawthorne )
never been there ...more to cum in the near future ... for now
settle for free entrance ...courtesy of ...non other
than ...me ..chickie chikie ..samdog ..just tell the bouncer
at the door ..that Samdogg sent ya. ..( and tell him his math
homwork will be ready on Monday )

(3) BodyShop ( on sunset )
forget the clubs and dublins and miagis ..its time for BUTT
NAKID BITCHES.... i just recently visited the place ..and i
give it two big wet thumbs up ... even the one dollar dances
on the floor are well worth it... the girls are EXTREMELY
friendly ... make sure to ask for CYNTHIA ...take her to the
back ..and take care of business ...sorry ..she'll take care
of your business ..and of course ..don't forget to
mention ..CHICKIE CHIKIE CHIK ..that samdogg sent ya .

(4)**********CRAZY HORSE************* ( vegas )
OK GUYS THIS IS NOT YOUR AVERAGE STRIP CLUB ... WHILE IT LOOKS
LIKE A GENTLEMEN'S CLUB ON THE OUTSIDE ..IT IS REALLY A WHORE HOUSE FOR ...BUTT NAKID BITCHES ... just take the girl to the back and for a little extra..you get a mother fucking whole let extra ...they give you mo fo yo money ....and after i go over there ..during christmass ..and take care of business .. you can get on over there and say ....SAMDOGGG SENT ME


now ... these are the strip club dont's . ..
(1) ...GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS near the Beverly Center
JUNK JUNK JUNK is more like it ..20 to get in ...girls are
snobby ho's .. 30 dollars to get a lousy lap dance ( fully
clothed ) .60 dollars for one with her bra off ..HELL MOTHA
FUCKING NO .. this ugly establishment gets two nuts in their mouth ...courtesy of ..CHICKIE CHIKIE CHICK ..samdogg

thank you ...
the horniest mother fucker in the world ....samdogg
CHICKIE CHICKIE CHICKIE

WOWZERS! Posted Friday, November 9, 2001 by RajuAbju
My site has gotten over 15,000 hits!!! THANK YOU ALL MY WONDERFUL SUPPORTERS!!! (now send me a donation?) www.RajuAbju.com continues to grow in popularity each day! Also, by Monday, the new & improved Elat Comedy & Humor section *WILL* be up! Me and the Elat Web Staff are working around the clock to finalize everything, and we are very close to making the debut official.

HOT WOMEN PICTURE GALLERY! Posted Friday, October 26, 2001 by Giant Clitoris
YES! I am invincible! The hot women picture gallery slide show is now working! www.rajuabju.com/hotwomen.htm
go there! lots of fine assssss girls! if you have pictures of women not on there, send em to rajuabju today and we'll add em up!

RAP CONTEST TALLY! & SITE UPDATE Posted Tuesday, October 23, 2001 by RajuAbju
THE RAP CONTEST HAS OFFICIALLY ENDED!
Final Results of our poll:

3rd Place: Mack-10 with 34 votes
2nd Place: Sam DOG with 38 votes
1ST PLACE: SAM JELLY with 42 votes

CONGRATS TO THE JELLY MAN!!!

Also, new poll is up, and, finally, hypermart has fixed the frontpage extensions problem. OUR RAP ARCHIVES ARE LOCATED AT THE BOTTOM OF THIS PAGE, IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO EVER REVIEW ALL THE GREAT (AND NOT SO GREAT) RAPS CREATED BY OUR MC'S.

We Know Its Fucked Posted Tuesday, October 23, 2001 by Giant Clitoris
Yes yes. Something is wrong with HYPERFART'S FrontPage Extensions. They are working on correcting the problem. I have no information as to when it will be solved.

You've got to try this!!! Posted Tuesday, September 18, 2001 by Sam
Stop and pick up your phone and try this. It only takes 20 seconds.
1. Call Deutsche Bank / National Discount Brokers at 1-800-888-3999.

2. Listen to ALL of the options (it only takes a moment).

3. After hearing the 7th option, press 7 and listen. EVERY company should have an Option 7!

IT'S FREE!

Frontpage SUCKS Posted Saturday, October 20, 2001 by Giant Clitoris
because gay danny uses frontpage, my idea for the humor sections will not work cause frontpage extensions are crap. in other elat news however..well, there is no other news. bah. die frontpage

I'M SORRY! Posted Monday, October 15, 2001 by RajuAbju
SAM DOG I APOLOGIZE. I am hereby reinstating John King back into the board of directors of Elat Farming. I also will end my short rapping career. I am no match for you.

Also...to Mack Jelly and Dog...the rapping contest shall be concluding THIS THURSDAY, the 18th of October, at 8PM PST sharp. No persian time. So this means you all have THREE days from now, to get your final few raps in...the votes continue to pile up!!! Sam Dog is catching up to the jelly man...with mack 10 trailing still in 3rd.
RAP ON!

JOHN KING SUSPENDED Posted Friday, October 12, 2001 by RajuAbju
John King (aka JCJO) has been suspended without pay from Elat Farming. It was found out by the staff of Elat Farming that JCJO has secretly been funneling funds out of the business to his own interests. A full investigation is currently underway, and we will be updating the pubic as soon as any new information becomes availible.

Comedy Section Posted Thursday, October 11, 2001 by Giant Clitoris
The Comedy pages of RajuAbju & Elat Farming may temporarily be offline at various times today. I am working on a new project which should hopefully make the humor pages a lot easier to navigate, as we are expanding them rapidly.

*Navigational Changes & Site Update* Posted Friday, September 21, 2001 by Giant Clitoris
As the TRUE master of this site, here's a list of updates I have performed, and others which are currently in the works.

1) Warez & IRC is once again its own section. Danny is an idiot
2) Literature section, which will be rapidly expanding is also a complete and seperate section. Once again, Danny is an idiot
3) Elat Adventures has gone back down under Farming divisions, where it fucking belongs. Danny is an idiot
4) Photo galleries & Elat comedy have been reorganized, and will soon feature lots of new pictures and jokes. they are both now much easier to navigate through and find what you are looking for. Danny is an idiot.
5) Average page loads have been reduced by about a full second throughout the site, and more of those gay midi files have been removed. Danny is a fucking idiot.
6) Enhanced java coming soon, possible online chat room, and some other cool things everyone will love, because I said so. I also said Danny is an idiot, but everyone knows that already.

THE NEW MONOPOLY CHAMPION Posted Wednesday, August 15, 2001 by Mr. Sebastian
All i want to say is that i've joined my friends to play monopoly three times..the first two where during days that i couldn't pay attention due to studying needs...However yesterday i had no next day obligations... and i decided to put on a full force against these weak kids.. lets just say no one po